


Not While I'm Around

by andyouknowitis



Series: Into The Woods [5]
Category: Big Brother RPF
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:56:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andyouknowitis/pseuds/andyouknowitis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our love has changed, it's not the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not While I'm Around

_Voicemail notification: You have two new messages._  
  
Zach fiddled with his phone and pressed the button with a smile, as he entered the terminal. Even after all these months, Frankie still called him after every flight without fail, unless he was onstage at the time. Always checking he was okay, soothing the little kick of nerves he still got when he flew alone. He glanced at his watch. It was well past ten in New York so he was done with his show. He'd probably left the message when he'd gotten in.

Out of habit he tried to keep a low profile as he put the phone to his ear waiting for the line to connect. Though truth be told the increased attention that had steadily grown wherever he went these last few months didn't seem to bother him as much as it used to. And it wasn't exactly like the paparazzi were stalking him like he was Bieber or whatever. Frankie always warned him when there'd be anything, for whatever reason. Certainly it increased when they were at any event that featured Ari, and anything high profile or red carpet related still freaked him out, but he was becoming more...familiar with it, if not exactly comfortable now. He knew now how to be low-key when he wanted to, and the fans who did approach were mostly fine, fun even. Most usually just wanted a picture, or to ask how Frankie was. He grinned as he tuned back into the first new message.  
  
“Rance, it's me. On the off chance that you, oh I don't know, want to maybe talk to the person who gets you employment from time to time, FYI, that would be me, your agent, call me. Something interestin-”  
  
A scowl then. “Yeah whatever, Dylan.”  
  
He pressed the button again, his smile warming at the sound of Frankie's recorded voice.

“ _Hi hon, I just got in..it's ah..like just after eleven here so I guess it'll be after eight with you once you've touched down. I thought you might have landed already. Hope your flight ran on time...ah...no Tiger sit. SIT. No licking. Sleepy time. Sorry sweetie, he's being naughty. Tiger! Why does he have to have a taste for Prada shoes? Hang on honey...alright trouble, cuddles for five minutes but that's it. You miss Daddy too, I know you do. I know. Sorry, Zach. He's such an attention seeker, no idea who he's learned that from. Anyway, I'm gonna lie down for a few but make sure and call me when you get there okay..look after my boyfriend....okay bye. Love you."_  
  
Zach frowned at the tired tone in his voice that he could tell he'd been trying to hide. Frankie was a great actor, but he knew him too well, he just..knew. He tried FaceTime, no reply, then rang through, scowling impatiently at the dial tone, eyes searching the departures board above him until the line connected. “Hi, baby. Yes, I'm fine..what about..no the flight was fine..are you...no none so far..Frankie..Frankie.” He raised his voice a notch. “Grande, listen to me. You're sick aren't you?”  
  
He paced the lounge, eyeing a lone bag going round for another run on the carousel. “Haha, Franklin, nice try, but I won't be distracted. I _knew_ you weren't quite yourself last night...shush..and since you never miss the chance to FaceTime with me, like ever, I know you're not feeling right. I just...I shouldn't have left you...I don't care how old you are, you shouldn't be alone when you're not well. Yeah, I know your Mom literally just left, I was there, but her and Ari are probably halfway over Europe by now. If A.J and Lauren weren't away on that weekend we're all pretending they're not on together, I'd have gotten them to take Tiger for the night so you don't have to deal with him too...yeah I know you love him, baby, but who's going to look after you? Frankie, I can hear it in your voice, you're getting sick..look I'm..what? Y'know I might have just bought that if Dom hadn've told me more than I wanted to know about his planned 'Viva Las Gaygas' weekend...yes Dom and I talk! I know Jon-Erik's working, and before you say it, yes Doug can pick up some medicine, but Frankie he's not me okay? He's not someone who loves you enough to look after you right. He's just a kid...I'm coming home..yes I am..fuck the meeting! I can re-schedule the meeting, I won't re-schedule you...and since when have I cared what Dylan thinks? Too late, Franklin..oh..yes there goes my credit card...and oh..yep I'm cutting out..I'll see you later..sorry can't hear yo-”  
  
He hit end call as he wheeled his carry-on behind him with one hand, moving swiftly through the terminals, before joining the line for the ticket counter. He was pretty sure he could make the next flight to JFK. If not he'd grab a coffee and wait it out until the next one available. At least the time difference was on his side. He tapped out a quick message to Dylan, who would no doubt have something to say about this latest escapade, as he liked to call them, and likely give him a lecture about how difficult it had been to pull a meeting on a weekend to begin with, even though it was really a casual business lunch thing. He knew he was taking his frustrations with the travel and work out on him more than ever, and he'd have to deal with it soon, but that was a problem for another day. He smiled resignedly as the inevitable “Um, hi, sorry could I just..” enquiries started behind him. 'And how was Frankie?' Frankie needed him right now, and that was all that he could think about.

*  
  
Zach glanced at his watch as he reached their apartment building. He'd ended up on the flight after the one he wanted after all, but it ran through on time, and after grabbing a coffee and a cab into the city, via a stop at the all night market nearby to pick up some things, it was still only shy of five am by the time he reached home. Maybe Frankie would be asleep. Zach had gotten several messages from him, all with basically the same intent, telling him that he was okay, and not to do anything crazy and to stay put. He'd just replied with _'Try and rest_. _See you soon x'_.

Digging around in his pocket for his key one handed, he shifted his wheel-on in front of him, then hit the up button on the elevator once he was inside, hoisting the bag of groceries impatiently in his other arm, trying not to tap his foot on the ride up. He set the bag on the kitchen counter and tossed his luggage in the corner as soon as he was in the door, before kicking off his shoes as he headed for the bedroom. He had a moment of panic when he found the bed empty but alerted by the sound of running water detoured into the en suite bathroom. He found him pale in pink pajamas, _and since when did he ever wear pajamas outside of Christmas yeah he was definitely not well_ , gripping the edge of the sink as he rinsed his mouth with mouthwash, no doubt trying to rinse the taste of sickness out of his mouth, the smell of which still pervaded the air. He looked over as he stepped into the doorway, his voice a little raw and dry. “Zach.”  
  
He closed the space between them within seconds, hugging him in close, as he rubbed his back gently. “Let's get you to bed"  
  
“Keen...as ever.”  
  
“Haha, funny. Settle down, baby. Come on..there we go..just here...lie down.”  
  
“Yessir, Mr Rance. Got me where you want me. Tell me what to do.”  
  
Zach placed a cool hand to his forehead. “Are you burning up?”  
  
“For you? Always.”  
  
“I'm mean it, Frankie. I don't like this...maybe I should call the doctor.”  
  
Frankie pushed himself up off the pillows slightly, his voice a little cracked, his hand gripping onto Zach's arm. “No..no..Zach it's okay, sweetie. I promise it's nothing serious. It's just some twenty-four hour bug thing. Two girls at the theatre are down with it too. The usual being sick at the side of the stage blah blah. I feel much better since I threw-up. Really, I promise.”  
  
Zach sat on the edge of the bed, smoothing the cover around his shoulders. “You sure?”  
  
“I'm sure.” Frankie smiled as he settled himself more comfortably against the pillows.. “You're so cute when you get all panicky, Z.”  
  
“I am not being cute. Or panicky.”  
  
“I'll be the judge of that and I say you're cute. You didn't have to come back, really. You worry too much.”  
  
“What? Is a guy not allowed to be worried about his ill boyfriend? I was just worried like..a regular amount.”  
  
“Zach you flew back from L.A.”  
  
“Yeah well...”  
  
"Oh my God and now you're blushing. See? Cute.”  
  
“Shut up, Grande.”  
  
“I think you're crazy.”  
  
“I am not-”  
  
“But you're my kind of crazy.”  
  
Zach smoothed back the slightly damp blond bangs from his face, still much too pale for his liking, as he stood up. “Well you're my kind of everything, Franklin, and crazy or not you are going to stay in this bed for the rest of the day and take it easy.”  
  
Frankie lay a hand over his chest. “Awww. Be still my heart.” He coughed dryly. “So, I take it that's an order?”  
  
“You can take it any way you want to, but you're going to take a rest. You push yourself too hard sometimes.”  
  
“Yes mister works out of state half the month and doesn't get nearly enough sleep.” Zach just smiled as he folded his arms and looked down at him. Frankie relented with a sigh and burrowed under the covers. "Okay, you win. I'll stay in bed for now, but I look forward to taking it any way I want, Zachary.”  
  
“Frankie!”  
  
“What? I'm sick, not dead.”  
  
“You're something...” He shook his head at his raised eyebrows. “Okay..okay..we'll talk about this later. Right now it's nearly breakfast time. Do you think you can manage anything?” He frowned as he reached the doorway and turned back. “Dry toast is good when you're sick right?”  
  
“Have I told how cute you are?”  
  
“Frankie, please. Do you want the toast?”  
  
“I'll try the toast, Z, but..”  
  
Zach's eyebrows rose. “What?”  
  
“Your bedside manner could use some work.”  
  
"Hmmm, if I leave right now I could still make that meeting.”  
  
He could still hear his muted laughter as he reached the kitchen. He smiled to himself, if he was teasing him then he was definitely feeling at least a little bit better.  
  
*

Frankie's eyes roamed over the bedside clock as he drifted awake.  
  
_3.22pm_  
  
He lay on his side as he listened to Zach humming along softly to the radio in the kitchen. He still couldn't believe he'd come all the way back from L.A. just to look after him. He'd busied himself bringing him food, and cleaning the bathroom, well..cleaning was relative, but he'd done it, and making sure he took his meds and just...being there. Just when he thought he had him figured out, he surprised him all over again. Which was probably just one of the many, many reasons he loved him. Zach was the biggest surprise of his life. Period. He smiled softly as he stretched and yawned, frowning at the twinges and aches he still felt. Maybe a shower would get rid of the worst of them. He tried to push away the little thread of disquiet he felt in his stomach as he padded into the kitchen just as the phone rang, feet clad in the warm socks Zach had not only insisted he put on, but had put onto him himself. He'd never had anyone outside of family take such concentrated care of him. He raised an arm and reached back to scratch the itch between his shoulder blades. Truth be told he wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it. He blinked at the sight of Zach at the stove.

“Back to bed.” Zach said, without turning round, as he held the phone in one hand while stirring something with the other.  
  
“I'm just gonna take a shower. I feel a bit...ick.”  
  
“Okay, but then-”  
  
“Yeah back to bed, Z. I know, geez. You're so strict.”

“It's for your own good.” Zach angled the phone between his ear and shoulder as he grabbed a dish rag to mop some spill at the front of the stove. “No, Mom, I meant Frankie. Yeah he's feeling a little bit better but he still needs to rest. Do I add this stock stuff now? Yeah I am stirring it, Mom...I know it can't be too thick..I think I can manage a simple chicken soup. Why does it matter what way I'm stirring it? Okay..okay...um..anti-clockwise. Right, okay, I'm pouring it in now...okay I'll do that. No, you can't talk to him...Mom why do you need to..no..he's gone to have a show-”  
  
Frankie grabbed the phone off him from behind, the other arm wrapping around Zach's waist loosely while he talked. “Hi, Jill. No, I'm standing right here...yeah he's a bad liar. Thanks...yeah I'm feeling much better, he's really looking after me..yeah I can't believe he's cooking either..I'm sure it'll be fine..and if it isn't well we had a good run. No, he's adorable...see I told him he was cute..no he doesn't like it. Yah...I know..I've noticed. Mmmmhmmm...okay..say hi to Kevin and Peyton for me..okay, talk soon..you too..bye. I will. Bye.”  
  
Zach scowled as he turned the soup down to simmer. “I was not lying. You said you were going to the shower.”  
  
“Yeah whatever, Rance. You just didn't want me talking to your Mom again. She says bye, and she loves you, and not to stir the soup clockwise.”  
  
“Why does it even-” he huffed out a breath. “Just go shower. The soup's nearly ready. I'm gonna have mine while you're in, then I gotta walk Tiger. If you're not out by the time I'm done I'll leave yours on the side. It should be hot enough still, or you could wait til I come bac-”  
  
“Zach, sweetie, it's okay. Go for a walk. You probably need some air after being stuck in here with me all day.”

“I want to be here.”

Frankie just nodded. “I can manage to warm myself some soup if it comes to it. You know I don't like it super hot anyway. I shouldn't be too long in the shower. Eat and then take Tiger out. Don't forget his coat. I hung the new one up in the laundry room. I'll see you when you get back.” He drew his hands up Zach's back and massaged his shoulders lightly as he continued stirring the soup, before heading for the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror for a few moments, then scowled as he turned the water up to steaming.

*

Frankie shuffled off the couch and headed toward the dishwasher with his bowl just as Zach got in the door from walking the dog. Tiger skittered around the hallway excitedly as Zach let him off the leash, bounding over to Frankie while Zach hung up his jacket.

Frankie knelt down to scratch his ears after depositing the bowl. “Did you go pee-pee? You're a good boy, yes you are. Did the other doggies like your new coat? I bet they did. Good boy.”

“You spoil him.”

Frankie glanced up from where he was rubbing Tiger's tummy, which was making him wriggle in ecstasy. “Says the guy who literally used to let him sleep in his bed. Good thing I came along, no? And besides,” he unsnapped the stylish, hunter green dog coat, then ran his hands over the soft fur. “He's our child, what do you expect me do?” He looked back at the dog. “Look at those eyes. Who could resist?”

“He's a dog.”

Frankie made a production of gasping and covering Tiger's ears. “Oh my God, sweetie-pie he doesn't mean it. You _are_ Tiger Woods Rance-Grande. Yes, you are. He loves you too, even more than I do.” He grinned up at him as he tickled under Tiger's chin. “Probably more than he loves me. He's the one who called himself your Daddy since you were a puppy, I just adopted you. Daddy and I love you. It's okay.”

Zach just shook his head and smiled. “I love both of you.” He extended a hand to pull Frankie up from the ground, schooling his face into sterner lines. “And you're still not well enough to be sitting on the floor.”  
  
Frankie looked at him plaintively as he rinsed his hands at the sink and dried them. “Zach, _please_ don't make me go back to bed. If I have to spend anymore time horizontal by myself I'll go crazy. It's no fun if you're not there with me.”

Zach studied his face, still a little devoid of colour beneath his tan, eyes wide and a little shadowed as they focused on his. He relented as he ran a hand softly down his back, then back up into the loose ends of his hair, a little damp still, from his shower. “Okay, how about I lay with you on the couch for a while and we watch a movie or something?”

Frankie could hardly keep the bounce out of his toes as he pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Better.”

“Not quite, but we'll get you there. I do want you to spend the rest of the day at home. You're not due back at work til Tuesday. So no appointments and no working, or emailing, or updating your accounts or whatever. Complete break, Frankie, at least until you finish those meds okay?”

“Um, I may have been on already...”

“I noticed,” Zach replied dryly. He'd gotten the notification when he was out with the dog. Clicked through Twitter to an Instagram picture of the chicken concoction tagged _'Soup! for_ # _SickDaySunday #BestBoyfriendEver'._ Several people had tagged him in their responses as the image circulated. Some had been scathing of his purported cooking skills, most had 'awwed' at what they thought was a sweet gesture, others still had figured out that he'd come back to NYC after the fan pictures from LAX had emerged, and now _#ZachFlewBack_ was trending.

Frankie looked apprehensive. “I know I don't know when to stop. Sorry.”

Zach let his fingers play across the back of his neck, trying to soothe. “Why would you stop? It's you. I don't mean you can't play, I know it's fun for you. I love that. I love having a record of our memories, I just mean-” he shifted, soothed a thumb over his fingers as he took a hand in his. “I mean that's it's alright to switch your brain off for a while and take some time out from everything. I know you keep healthy and all, but you don't have to be 'on' all the time baby, especially not with me. You can just do nothing. It'll all be there when you go back to it. They'll still be there.”

“But-”

“No but-” He grinned. “Or butts, or anything else for that matter. Not right now, anyway.”

“I wasn't even-”

“You were thinking it. Your next thought was I'll distract him with sex and then he'll fall asleep, and then I'll do some work while he's sleeping.” He shook his head. “No deal, Frankie.”

Frankie opened his mouth and then closed it again, looking petulant. “Taking sex away from me is not fair.”

Zach clicked his tongue. “You'll get it back when you're well again.”

“But how am I suppos-” he cut himself off. “Nevermind.”

Zach let go of his hand and just hugged him in, arms wrapped tight around him, Frankie's arms still pressed to his sides as he drew him close. Zach could feel the tension wound through him. Sought to make it better. “I don't need you to give me sex every time you see me, like a thing. Like we don't have to do it, just cause I'm home, you know?” He smiled into his hair. “I mean I love it. Like a lot. Sex with you is literally the most exciting thing I've ever done, but like I don't just expect it. I'm not with you just for sex, Frankie.” He laughed softly. “At least that's not only why. It's not the big why.”

Frankie's answer was muffled against his chest. Zach glanced down. “What was that?”

Frankie looked up as he relaxed a bit into his embrace, his arms creeping round Zach's waist. “I said, 'big wang'.”

Zach laughed out loud against him. “That goes without saying. So are you with me? A break from work and dial down the sexy time yeah? Just until you're more yourself.”

Frankie slumped into his arms, the fight going out of him. “Oh God. I am tired. What's wrong with me?”

Zach swayed them both gently from side to side. “I know you are, baby. And nothing's wrong with you. You just need to rest a while, that's all.”

“This is because I'm old. I hate it.”

“You're not old. You're just older.”

“If you had a younger guy though, he'd be in the peak of health and fucking your brains out right now. I'm sorry you got stuck with me being old and sick and just me.”

Zach laughed again as he glanced down at him. “Franklin, please. Talk sense. Have you forgotten you're the same guy that slayed like pretty much all the competition when we were doing comps in the house? You're a beast. And like totally fitter than I am. You kick my ass when we work out. And even if you didn't, it wouldn't matter. I don't want any other guy. I want you. As for sex,” another laugh, “Jesus, I can barely keep up with you as it is. You fuck my brains out just fine, I promise you. My brains and the rest of me are thoroughly well fucked by you, no matter what age you are.” He walked him over to the couch and settled him there. “Pick whatever you wanna watch, I'll be back in a couple minutes.”

*

Frankie watched him head back toward the kitchen, then flicked a glance at the clicker sitting beside him. He picked it up but didn't switch on the set, just sat there with it gripped in his hand. He felt like he was having some weird kind of panic attack. Like he couldn't breathe and he didn't know why. It was probably because he felt like things weren't quite in his control right now. He could manage anything as long as he knew what to expect, as long he could anticipate what was likely to happen next. Then he could be ready. But ever since meeting Zach, with the ups and downs of their first few months after leaving the house, trying to work their way through just exactly what their friendship was, and now this past while together; it was like like running some kind of marathon. And mostly it was fine. He knew how to run, enjoyed it even, always a length or two ahead, If he didn't know what he was doing sometimes, then he just ran faster, a blur in motion, a whirlwind to all who met him. With Zach though, it was like..like he'd felt some kind of responsibility to take his hand and help him through, not just getting to grips with an adult world in the wake of college, and gaining his own independence, but with how to navigate an adult relationship, and the touch of celebrity that had come along after being on the show, and, he had to face it, from being in a relationship with him. After all, he was the older one. The one with experience. He should know what he was doing. He was supposed to know. He looked up as Zach came back from the kitchen, holding a couple of mugs.

Zach glanced at the clicker in Frankie's hand, a hint of amusement around his mouth, but he didn't say anything as he gestured to the coffee table, “Can you..?” Frankie looked confused for a moment, before setting the clicker aside and placing a couple of coasters to set the mugs on. Zach set his mug down, then held out the other to Frankie as he sat down next to him, angled toward him on the couch. “Here, drink this. I think it'll help you feel better.”

Frankie lifted his chin as he took the mug and wrapped his hands around it. “What is it?” He peered at the contents. “It's not coffee right?” He gave a pallid smile. “I thought that was banned too?”  
  
Zach just tapped a soft hand to his knee. “Tea. Drink it.”  
  
“Zach, I'm a New Yorker, we don't really do tea, unless it's from Long Island and in a tall glass.”  
  
“It's hot, sweet tea. It's supposed to soothe your throat and stuff, with the ginger and honey and jus-”  
  
Frankie took a closer look at the tea, his grip tightening on the mug. “You put ginger in it? You put ginger and honey in this?” His lips parted. “My grandfather used to..he used to..when were sick..."

Zach nodded. “Yeah, I know. I texted your Mom earlier, cause I wanted to know what you liked to eat when you were sick, and she told me just how to make it, like what tea and how much honey.” He looked at the mug. “I hope I made it right. Mine tasted fine when I tried it.” He looked back up to find that Frankie's eyes had taken on a glossy sheen. He watched, his unease growing as Frankie pressed a hand to his mouth as if to hold back a sob. Zach reached automatically to curl one of his own hands around Frankie's on the mug, both to comfort and to prevent a spill.”Fuck, baby, I'm sorry. I didn't think. This isn't okay is it? Is it still too soon? It's just...your Mom said..I thought it'd be okay. That it would be good for you.” He reached to take the mug from his fingers. “Here, I'll throw it away, it's okay.”

Frankie shook his head quickly, taking a couple of quick breaths, swiping a hand across his eyes briefly. “No, it's alright, it's okay.” He eased the mug away from their hands and took a sip slowly. Swallowed before smiling. “It tastes just like I remember.” He reached out a hand to cover Zach's. “Thank you.” He coughed as he took another swallow. “Fuck!” He pulled back his hand again and rubbed it over his face frustratedly as he seemed to get overwhelmed again.”Sorry, Jesus, sorry. I'm just a fucking mess today.”

Zach cupped his cheek, and ran a thumb across the couple of tears that tracked down his face, as he shook his own head. “You're my mess.”

Frankie pressed his lips together and nodded. “I know. Thank you for-” he broke off and looked up at the ceiling, trying to compose himself as he shifted forward and set his mug on the table. Tried again. “I just-it's like...like...” He blew out a breath as if the words were somehow painful for him to speak. “Like I get why you're here and I love that you are..what you did...” His shoulders hunched and he looked smaller somehow. Zach felt it like a cut right through him, because while he was small in stature, Frankie's personality was such a force in and of itself that he'd never seen him as anything less than the biggest thing in any room.

Frankie spoke in a rush. “I wanted you to know I appreciate everything that you're doing, especially with me crying all over you.” He wrapped his arms around his knees as if he could make himself less; insignificant. Zach felt his heart wrench at the idea that he'd ever had to feel like he should do that. That he might be feeling like that now. Frankie spoke again. “I just mean I see what you did and it's so...you. But like another part of me is like why did you come back when you didn't have to-like I could look after myself fine. I've done it before. I know how...I know how to do that.”

Zach's brow furrowed. He paused as he tried to find the best words. Settled on the simplest ones, which were the truth. “Frankie....I love you.” His shoulders rose and fell in a soft shrug. “I don't have much experience with all this, with anything, but when I look around at people I know, or like my Mom and Dad or whoever, this is what it is. I love you. Of course I'm here. Where else would I be? Being together means you don't have to be alone at times like this. Just because you can manage fine by yourself, doesn't mean you have to. Not when you have me. I'm here now. I love you. Look at everything you do for me. You got me that writing desk and got the soundproofing done so I'd have a quiet space to write in when I need to, you get my stuff dry-cleaned because I have no clue about when it needs it, you secretly get Doug to bump all my flights to First because you don't want me to get nervous when I fly. You leave me little notes in my journal that help me through long days, and you always check my packing after I do it because I always forget something and you know I will. You look after me. Is it so strange that I get to do the same for you? I get to love you and do the same thing. That's my answer. I love you.”

Frankie swallowed and nodded slowly. “I know...I know you do. You bring me my coffee every morning, without fail, when you're home, you surprise me for lunch when I've got a long day, you buy me a little Swarovksi crystal figurine every single time you're away, and you indulge me when I spend stupid amounts of money buying you things you think you don't need.” He flexed his fingers and curled them into his palms, fists resting against his thighs, his eyes on Zach's again. “I know you love me, and I love you. I do.”

Zach didn't speak. There was so much he wanted to say, but he sensed that it was important for Frankie to speak now, and for Zach to hear him. He just held out his arms and let Frankie settle himself across his lap. He could still feel the tension laced through him. But he just held on quietly. Let him settle slowly. Let him speak.

“I'm used to being too much work. And like when I got to thirty, and I was alone, I thought this is it then, and I realised that I felt alone in every relationship anyway. I just thought maybe this is just the way it is for me. Like I wasn't upset or moping about it. I just thought that was my reality. That I couldn't be everything I wanted and be with someone too. I figured if I wanted to be me, then it would probably be alone. And that if I did meet someone it would have to  _really_  be someone y'know? Not just another one where I'm just sex, and someone there who throws fun parties, and knows some people, and it's just a few fun weeks, or months, and they think they can take all the excitement and demands, until they can't because I'm too much.”

Frankie shifted against him, laid his head against his shoulder, his lips a whisper from his chest. “I hear it all the time. I know it. I'm too rich, or too camp, or too gay, or too annoying. I dress too young, and I show too much ambition, or too much skin. I talk too much and love too loud. I'm too much. Which is just another way of saying I'm not enough. Being the way I am isn't good enough. And all those things just turn into a reason to hate me. Or at least a reason not to love me. It's a reason not to stay.” He moved restlessly, his fingers curling against Zach's sleeve. “I'm too much and I'm not enough.” He shook his head as he raised his eyes to Zach's. “It's just when you say you love me..it's different. I think...I feel like I've only just finally realised what that actually means.” He shook his head. “Not just the small things, but the big things too. I've never...this. No one's ever loved me like this.” He looked down at the dog who was now sleeping by their feet. “I didn't think they could. That anyone would want to. Not like this.”

Zach was silent for a few beats before he spoke again. He ran a hand over Frankie's hair and down his back, rubbing in soothing circles, down and then up again. Just slow movements of his fingers, his thumbs moving in smaller patterns across his back until he felt him relax against him once more. Gave him two words. The only two that seemed to matter right now. “Someone does.”

It felt like a shift in the air then. Like they had somehow let the quiet in. And it was okay. They could just be the two of them. Quiet and together. Just Zach and Frankie.

Zach felt Frankie cuddle into him. Felt his arms move to tighten around his waist, his knees coming in to rest against his left hip. His head on his chest, breathing him in, holding him close, like he could somehow crawl into the space and stay there. Zach tightened his own arms around him, one hand moving up to hold his head against him, his fingers laced in his hair. Breathed him in, in return. He spoke quietly. “I'll tell you what I think. I think you don't know how to let anyone look after you when you need it. I think you can look after yourself just fine. And you can definitely look after other people, including me, without even thinking about it. But when someone wants to look after you, when they care enough to try, it scares you because you think if you let someone in then they'll want to leave. And baby, I don't know. I can't promise we won't fight tomorrow, or next week, or next year or whatever. I can't promise one of of us won't feel like something has changed and maybe we're done. Maybe we will. But maybe we won't. I think as long as we talk and remember that we're here for each other we'll get through anything. I don't want to leave you, ever. Hell, you see how much I hate actually leaving you just to go to L.A. or wherever. But I have to know that you don't want me to leave either. Because right now, when you think that I will, it's like you believe that's I'm not enough too.” Zach felt the smallest of damp spots on his t-shirt as he looked down. He didn't want to see him cry, but he knew he had to say this. “But Frankie, you were right about one thing. You're not enough. You're more. Everything about you is more. I've never met someone who gets so much more out of life than you. And I think I love that most. Never be sorry for being more.”

Frankie sniffled against his chest. “When did you become the responsible adult in this relationship?”

Zach laughed softly. “Please. Frat boys from Florida don't grow up.”

He felt the sharp crack of Frankie's laugh before he heard it, his voice still a little raspy. “Are we both Peter Pan then? Or maybe we're both just lost boys. When I was a kid I used to dream I was Peter. I would think about flying to Neverland and doing unspeakable things to John Darling when I got there. I think maybe you're my darling.” Zach felt the press of his lips to his neck, felt him linger there as he spoke.“You're my more, too." 

Zach smiled as he felt the warm feeling spread through him at his words. “Good. You still want to watch something?” He shifted his knees to settle Frankie more comfortably on his lap, at his nod of assent, and pulled the couch blanket in over both of them. He found the clicker and switched on the television, his other hand still playing through Frankie's hair as he flicked through the channels. “Like _Real Housewives_ or just Bravo or something?”

“I don't mind. I'm just gonna lay here. You can watch what you want.”

He settled on an old _Friends_ re-run. It felt like a time to smile, and it was short enough that he wasn't likely to get distracted and change it halfway through. The brush of Frankie's breath fluttered against his collarbone as he felt his breathing even out. He eased his phone out of his pocket and snapped a quick picture of his hand on Frankie's hair, where his head lay on his chest. Clicked into Instagram with a tap of his thumb, soft filtered, and hashtagged it with a single word. He held out the phone so Frankie could see the screen. He smiled sleepily and nodded as he snuggled in closer to him. Zach hit send. He didn't know what he'd expected when he'd walked in the door this morning; already in love, ready to be there. He wasn't quite sure what this corner they'd turned could be called, but he felt like they were both in an infinitely better place.

Maybe it was the only way to say it.

_#Better._

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This particular fic is brought to you by three very different songs.
> 
> There is of course the titular song, [Not While I'm Around](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dv_SO5jOKWs) which deals with keeping the worst of the outside world away from the one you love.
> 
> [Being Alive](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBBPKedba5o%20) which deals with letting go of the fear of truly letting someone into your life. This is my favourite Sondheim song, from my favourite musical of his, 'Company.'
> 
> The final one is Tom Baxter's [Better](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rQoFQJrUTM) which is what happens when you're able to achieve those two things. When you're both able to let someone in, and aim to do your best to help them deal with the pain they will inevitably face as you move through life together. To let them know that they're not alone and that together you can find joy. That love, great, real, messy love will change and grow and evolve as you live it. That it will get better. Even when it's hard. It will always be better. I've been lucky enough to hear Tom perform this song live a couple of times, and it always stuns me with its simple beauty. Life and love can be better if we learn how to let it.
> 
> If you like you know what to do x
> 
> To those who have left comments and kudos thank you muchly, it really helps let me know that it's being enjoyed, and if I'm on the mark. Thank you to all those who have just taken the time to read as well, even if it's not your kind of thing, it's all much appreciated.
> 
> tumblr: andyouknowitis


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